I still get flashes of "everything is all wrong" voices in my head say "wrong way to spend your time, wrong body, wrong job, wrong dream, wrong relationship" wrong wrong WRONG. I don't know what theses days I can say for sure. I know that I am here in this chilly wind, looking closely and feeling the feelings of my age. And how can I do it all?
Sometimes I feel really in the spotlight. am I acting right? Sometimes I feel like I am mean to people who love me. Sometimes I just want to be more sweet and funny. I have a hard time connecting and loving all of my selves and the different moments of my life so far, how can all these parts be the same?
Sometimes I break.
Worries I have lately:
tangled hair.
being yelled at.
being very very lonely.
taking my last few days here for granted or entwined in toxicity.
the trailer not fitting all of my stuff.
no more faith.
a night of talking last night that hurt and hurt and hurt. to let go and let God.
I want holding close and treasures, I want passionate yeses. I want calm gladness. I used to have these things.
I just came to realize that somedays we wake up and find that we have lost our dreams in order to protect our days.
"Way down yonder in New Orleans/In the land of dreamy scenes/There's a garden of Eden/You know what I mean.” -Louis Armstrong
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