feeling numb. i am missing when my parents were attentive. imagining my dad making buttered noodles, walking to the fridge in our small kitchen, the disney channel is on in the other room. he pulls out the land o' lakes and carefully unwraps the paper and mixes it into the linguine. i guess i miss his attention to attention. I could have hallucinated my entire childhood or fabricated some language to talk about it. I dont know whats real and whats not.
In walmart today by my house and I swear I am the only white person in the place and it starts to rain. there are children everywhere. in the aisles stuffed behind the frosted mini wheats and reading magazines in the checkout lines. they give me dirty looks and I am afraid of them for some reason. why? and then it starts to rain when I am in the frozen pizza aisle and the man who is talking to himself yells out: can you hear the RAIN? can you hear the rain? the rain is loud on the old warehouse and I imagine this is what it must have sounded like when Katrina passed over the superdome. its a hum like a machine. i think the people look at me like why are you shopping here? shouldnt you be at wholefoods? this family is looking at this dog bed, the actual dog is in their shopping cart its small feet are slipping through the metal bars of the cart and it pants. I cant tell if its excited about being with 5 kids or nervous about the rain. maybe both.
and yes I can hear the rain. we can hear the rain.
oh my god, whatever, ect.
